It's Back!

For months now not a soul has looked at my Onion Personal profile. At first I thought maybe the collective preference of the eligible ladies of San Francisco had swung to the opposite of me*. But soon after my people stopped visiting my profile some of my pictures disappeared, my blurbs went missing, and I stopped coming up on a search of 28 year old males in San Francisco.

Last week I finally figured out that they had turned my profile off. It's odd that it got turned off, and especially odd that I couldn't tell that my profile was turned off until I searched for myself by name. So I turned my profile back on only to discover that I still wasn't getting any traffic. I finally emailed customer service and they told me that people are much less likely to look at my profile if I don't pick a gender.

Seriously? You can't sign up for on an online dating sight without a gender. It won't let you. And on the Onion once you pick a gender you have to email customer service if you want to change it. And still it doesn't occur to them that this might be THEIR fault that I'm a genderless, dateless, person. Jerks. On the bright side I fixed it last night at I've already had two ladies look at my profile.

In other productive news I've just successfully installed a phone in my medicine cabinet. I tried a portable phone, but each room of my apartment is a Faraday cage and the phone would buzz when out of sight of its base. Not to be defeated by this minor setback, I ran a wire behind my couch, behind my fridge, over my kitchen cabinets, down a space between two of them, through the kitchen wall and into the back of my medicine cabinet. It's perfect.

Why would anyone need a phone in the bathroom? I need one there to counter-act everybody's uncanny ability to call me as soon as I sit down on the toilet. Although, now that I have a phone within easy reach of the porcelain department I haven't received a single phone call at home. Coincidence? I think not.**


*A taller than average female with light hair, dark skin, large feet, and an extra testicle.

**I've tested the phones and they still work, so it's not that.