Hi, I'm back. And it's just in time for my birthday.

The birthday celebrating has already begun in Napa, where I went for a very nice dinner with the California contingent of my family. They sent me home with a giant balloon which the cats like for the string but hate for the giant balloony scariness, some very nice gift certificates, and half an apple pie. Today I took the pie to work where I had a surprisingly hard time getting rid of it. Doesn't nobody eat apple pie? I, for one, would be more than happy to have some apple pie.

That of course begs the question, "Why did you get rid of the pie, then, dummy?"

I came home tonight, had a cheese and prosciutto sandwich, and finished off the ice cream. I don't need half an apple pie's help to make me look less like Flash Gordon.

Some people at work have decided that I need to be Flash Gordon for the company costume contest. One of them presented me with a head shot of Flash and the explanation that he thought I could make my hair look like his.

I couldn't actually remember if I'd seen the 80s movie version of Flash Gordon that the picture was from so I went home and researched it on YouTube.

As I discovered, Flash Gordon has two outfits. One is a skin tight t-shirt that says flash on it over some extremely tight, white pants. The other is a spandex red and black tank top, a giant, black, WWE-style belt, and some jazz pants. There's no way I'm going to trundle around work in either of those outfits. I have 40 pounds of tub where there should be 50 pounds of muscle.

Also, I think jeans that tight might give me the squirts.

Maybe I could be Compact Flash Gordon. Or Flash Gorton's Fish sticks. Gorton's Flash Sticks?