Reach Out and Tush Someone

First off, let me just say hooray for wrong numbers. (Not really.) I was right in the middle of going to the bathroom this weekend when my phone started to ring. I had apparently been eating well because my initial doubt about reaching the phone before the answering machine picked up was exchanged for a hearty "good job, Ass!" and a leap toward my living room, pants clutched up in front, ass hanging out the back. (It's hard to run like that.) I picked up the phone at ring three and a half, and in response to my hello got a, "Nwin shwee foo twan nah?"

"Sorry?"

"Nwin shwee foo twan nah?"

"Oh," I said, pants sagging a little with disappointment, "I think you have the wrong number."

"Oh. Sorry. Bye."

And speaking of communicating with strangers, I've sent out another email on The Onion Personals. I'm really hoping I get a reply, though my batting average thus far is something along the lines of 0%. Generally I wait for girls to contact me, and to that end I'm experimenting with this as my picture:



So far it hasn't worked. I'm going to need to go on a photo shoot.

But as I sent the email there was a little blurb in the instructions that says specifically not to solicit the person to which you're sending a message to send you email outside the personals system. Are you supposed to communicate back and forth for money until you finally meet for the first time and only exchange email addresses in person? They can't be serious.

So keep your collective fingers crossed for me. Hopefully she'll write back and I won't get kicked off the system for offering her my email address.