Olive Juice in the Land Down Under
I hate my god damn hiccups! I never get hiccups. Apart from a brief but lovely 45 minutes, I've had hiccups since about 3 o'clock. That's 3 hours and 45 minutes of hiccups! ARGGG!
Lots of people get hiccups, and don't complain about them because they are used to them. I, on the other hand, NEVER get hiccups. What I usually get is hiccup. Yep. Sometimes after a big meal, I will hiccup once, or on rare occasions, twice, and that will be the end of it. It has been years and years and years since I've had hiccups last for more than 30 seconds.
According to the National Organization of Rare Disorders, Inc. (NORD) on their chronic hiccups page, "Hiccups are caused by irritation of nerves or the brain medullary centers that control the muscles used in breathing, especially in the diaphragm." So it doesn't make any sense that any of the wife's tale hiccup remedies will work: Holding your breath and swallowing. Holding your breath and sipping water, drinking water through a paper towel, injecting your diaphragm with Botox. Actually, the last one might work, but I don't have any Botox. Even so, I've tried them all (apart from the Botox bit) and I still have them.
Even worse, I've started getting double hiccups. I'll hiccup twice in rapid succession, like my diaphragm is pretending to be a heart wearing a big lung hat. Bum bum. Bum bum. This does not please me in the slightest.
About an hour ago I got a little hungry and ate some turkey lunchmeat in which I had rolled some black olives. This was not only satisfying, but also seemed to make my hiccups go away. It was well worth the half-a-can of olive juice I spilled on the crotch of my pants. Until 15 minutes ago. Now it was not worth it, because I still have my god damn hiccups! And my pants smell like olives.
Monday, May 31, 2004
Sunday, May 30, 2004
Driving, Leukemia, and a Denim-clad Chihuahua
People need to post to their blogs more often. What am I supposed to read if there aren't any new posts? The newspaper? Books? Magazines? Be serious people. [He says in his first post since Tuesday.]
On Friday I went to traffic school. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be; but it definitely had its odd/disturbing moments.
The first oddity of traffic school is the name. Mine was Comedy Traffic School. But they all have weird names like that. Nu Tech Traffic School. Lettuce Amuse U Traffic School. Cheap-4-Less Traffic School. Odddely Speeeled Lame-Name Traffic School. I guess since there are 1,000,005 traffic schools they have to come up with different names, but couldn't they be less weird? They all made me hesitant to sign up. What's wrong with Ed's Traffic School? Or Acme Traffic School? Something that doesn't make me go into it dreading 8 hours of somebody failing to be funny.
The rest of the oddities all had to do with the class itself. When the teacher was asking why those of us* who raised our hands don't wear our seat belts, one guy had this to say: "I have leukemia, so I won't survive so much as a cut or bruise. It would just be more convenient if I died in an accident." Makes sense to me. He also drives a motorcycle and smokes. I'll bet when no one is looking he runs with scissors.
The only other weirdo worth mentioning was a girl who brought her Chihuahua to the last 4 hours of class in a black, nylon, zipper-topped bag. She said that she couldn't leave it at home for too long. She put the bag on the floor, and to better conceal the squirming, she put her jean jacket on top of the bag. To the dog's credit, it was superbly behaved. I guess Chihuahuas aren't claustrophobic. If I were zipped into a nylon bag on the floor with a jacket over me, I think I might freak out a little. Then again, I can be left alone for more than 8 hours at a time.
* By us, I mean we the students. And by we the students, I mean not me. I always wear my seatbelt.
People need to post to their blogs more often. What am I supposed to read if there aren't any new posts? The newspaper? Books? Magazines? Be serious people. [He says in his first post since Tuesday.]
On Friday I went to traffic school. It wasn't nearly as bad as I thought it would be; but it definitely had its odd/disturbing moments.
The first oddity of traffic school is the name. Mine was Comedy Traffic School. But they all have weird names like that. Nu Tech Traffic School. Lettuce Amuse U Traffic School. Cheap-4-Less Traffic School. Odddely Speeeled Lame-Name Traffic School. I guess since there are 1,000,005 traffic schools they have to come up with different names, but couldn't they be less weird? They all made me hesitant to sign up. What's wrong with Ed's Traffic School? Or Acme Traffic School? Something that doesn't make me go into it dreading 8 hours of somebody failing to be funny.
The rest of the oddities all had to do with the class itself. When the teacher was asking why those of us* who raised our hands don't wear our seat belts, one guy had this to say: "I have leukemia, so I won't survive so much as a cut or bruise. It would just be more convenient if I died in an accident." Makes sense to me. He also drives a motorcycle and smokes. I'll bet when no one is looking he runs with scissors.
The only other weirdo worth mentioning was a girl who brought her Chihuahua to the last 4 hours of class in a black, nylon, zipper-topped bag. She said that she couldn't leave it at home for too long. She put the bag on the floor, and to better conceal the squirming, she put her jean jacket on top of the bag. To the dog's credit, it was superbly behaved. I guess Chihuahuas aren't claustrophobic. If I were zipped into a nylon bag on the floor with a jacket over me, I think I might freak out a little. Then again, I can be left alone for more than 8 hours at a time.
* By us, I mean we the students. And by we the students, I mean not me. I always wear my seatbelt.
Tuesday, May 25, 2004
Stop Biting You Fool!
Tonight I tried to eat a pepperoncini. Tried and failed. I started to take a bite and a little jet of pepperoncini juice shot across the table. At this point a wiser man would have put the pepper down, but I am not a wise man. I thought, "a little juice came out. It's probably empty now." It wasn't.
I took a much bigger bite and a jet of pepperoncini juice went all over the table, the money, the chair across the table from me, and worst of all, up my left nostril. When my teeth finally cleared the backside of the beast the rest of the pepperoncini's vast juice reservoir dumped all over my side of the table. I think the Punchline Comedy Club, who was kind enough to give me 10 free tickets, will never smell the same again. Even if it does, I won't notice since all smells taken in through the left side of my nose are overpowered my essence of pepperoncini - the most juice pepperoncini that ever existed.
Tonight I tried to eat a pepperoncini. Tried and failed. I started to take a bite and a little jet of pepperoncini juice shot across the table. At this point a wiser man would have put the pepper down, but I am not a wise man. I thought, "a little juice came out. It's probably empty now." It wasn't.
I took a much bigger bite and a jet of pepperoncini juice went all over the table, the money, the chair across the table from me, and worst of all, up my left nostril. When my teeth finally cleared the backside of the beast the rest of the pepperoncini's vast juice reservoir dumped all over my side of the table. I think the Punchline Comedy Club, who was kind enough to give me 10 free tickets, will never smell the same again. Even if it does, I won't notice since all smells taken in through the left side of my nose are overpowered my essence of pepperoncini - the most juice pepperoncini that ever existed.
Sunday, May 23, 2004
Days of Chunder
Here are some things I've learned today:
1) Second hand smoke is bad for me. Sitting in a big cloud of it for 15 minutes today gave me a HUGE headache, and then made be chunder in the bushes.
2) Good Frickin' Chicken serves some good frickin' chicken. In addition, they bring you your drink and give you free refills. Also, the chicken comes with this flat bread and garlic spread stuff which are both really good.
3) My voice goes away a little after talking on the phone for 3 hours straight.
4) People who stay standing on their bicycles at intersetions are usually on fixed gear bikes.
5) If you type math into your Google bar, or into the Google search page, it gives you the answer. It's going to be both my spellchecker and calculator. Google is awsome.
6) Illegal mp3 downloads are becoming harder and harder to come by.
I'm not sure if this last one is becuase the record companies are succeding in making people not share music, or because the music I download seems to be unreleased in the US, and no one in the UK uses Kazaa. I wonder if there is a popular file sharing program in the UK that I don't know about. Time to do some googling.
Here are some things I've learned today:
1) Second hand smoke is bad for me. Sitting in a big cloud of it for 15 minutes today gave me a HUGE headache, and then made be chunder in the bushes.
2) Good Frickin' Chicken serves some good frickin' chicken. In addition, they bring you your drink and give you free refills. Also, the chicken comes with this flat bread and garlic spread stuff which are both really good.
3) My voice goes away a little after talking on the phone for 3 hours straight.
4) People who stay standing on their bicycles at intersetions are usually on fixed gear bikes.
5) If you type math into your Google bar, or into the Google search page, it gives you the answer. It's going to be both my spellchecker and calculator. Google is awsome.
6) Illegal mp3 downloads are becoming harder and harder to come by.
I'm not sure if this last one is becuase the record companies are succeding in making people not share music, or because the music I download seems to be unreleased in the US, and no one in the UK uses Kazaa. I wonder if there is a popular file sharing program in the UK that I don't know about. Time to do some googling.
Friday, May 21, 2004
Zork and Drums
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Or maybe it wasn't either. I guess what I'm saying here is that I got both good and bad news today.
The good: Kristin gave me a laptop that had been sitting around in the textiles room at SF State since sometime around 1987. I'm not sure if that's true, but that's the copyright date on the laptop’s manual. It's a Toshiba T1100 Plus, which according to the manual, is state of the art and ways under 10 pounds. It has 256KB of ram, and 2 3.5'' disk drives. Actually, I think my laptop circa 1999 weighs about the same as my new DOS beastie. I've been looking around on the internet for ZORK. I think I've found it, so I have to see if I can write to non-Double-Density disks. The T1100 Plus doesn't even have a hard drive. It's awesome.
The bad: Sanj, the drummer for SpiralKid, my band, has just gotten a job on the SETI project. One might remember SETI from the movie "Contact" staring Jodie Foster. Perhaps he'll go walking on a beach after falling through a huge alien produced machine, and a blurry representation of his father will tell him he should come back and play drums for us so we can finally play show. Was that reference too much of a long-shot?
What will become of SpiralKid? Will ZORK run? Do I have the latest version of DOS? Can a blog get dorkier than this one has become? All this and more will be revealed in the coming installments of
...
Don't Read This, It's Not Good
It was the best of times; it was the worst of times. Or maybe it wasn't either. I guess what I'm saying here is that I got both good and bad news today.
The good: Kristin gave me a laptop that had been sitting around in the textiles room at SF State since sometime around 1987. I'm not sure if that's true, but that's the copyright date on the laptop’s manual. It's a Toshiba T1100 Plus, which according to the manual, is state of the art and ways under 10 pounds. It has 256KB of ram, and 2 3.5'' disk drives. Actually, I think my laptop circa 1999 weighs about the same as my new DOS beastie. I've been looking around on the internet for ZORK. I think I've found it, so I have to see if I can write to non-Double-Density disks. The T1100 Plus doesn't even have a hard drive. It's awesome.
The bad: Sanj, the drummer for SpiralKid, my band, has just gotten a job on the SETI project. One might remember SETI from the movie "Contact" staring Jodie Foster. Perhaps he'll go walking on a beach after falling through a huge alien produced machine, and a blurry representation of his father will tell him he should come back and play drums for us so we can finally play show. Was that reference too much of a long-shot?
What will become of SpiralKid? Will ZORK run? Do I have the latest version of DOS? Can a blog get dorkier than this one has become? All this and more will be revealed in the coming installments of
...
Don't Read This, It's Not Good
Tuesday, May 18, 2004
TiVo? No
The message has been sent. I am a "Top Candidate" but they are finalizing a deal with a better, perhaps Topper, Candidate. But if that falls through, then they will "let me know." There are so many "quotation marks" in that intro.
On the bright side, I seem to be doing some freelance computer fixing and metal installation. All of which should come in handy after unemployment runs out. There also seems to be an upsurge in jobs which might be a good fit for me. All I have to do is apply for them. Easier said than done. I hate to write cover letters, I despise making phone calls, and I can't eat much before interviews for fear of upsetting my over-sensitive innards. But the quest for money never dies, and so I shall stress onward until I too have enough money so that I don't have to work anymore.
When is retirement? 65? 40 more years doesn't seem like enough time to come up with a life savings if I want to buy anything. I guess the money grows a lot faster when you get a job that pays more than 13$/hour. My goal is to one day have a yearly salary that matches that of a teacher. That would be the life.
The message has been sent. I am a "Top Candidate" but they are finalizing a deal with a better, perhaps Topper, Candidate. But if that falls through, then they will "let me know." There are so many "quotation marks" in that intro.
On the bright side, I seem to be doing some freelance computer fixing and metal installation. All of which should come in handy after unemployment runs out. There also seems to be an upsurge in jobs which might be a good fit for me. All I have to do is apply for them. Easier said than done. I hate to write cover letters, I despise making phone calls, and I can't eat much before interviews for fear of upsetting my over-sensitive innards. But the quest for money never dies, and so I shall stress onward until I too have enough money so that I don't have to work anymore.
When is retirement? 65? 40 more years doesn't seem like enough time to come up with a life savings if I want to buy anything. I guess the money grows a lot faster when you get a job that pays more than 13$/hour. My goal is to one day have a yearly salary that matches that of a teacher. That would be the life.
Friday, May 07, 2004
A Lovely and Fruitful Evening
Or not. I started it out with a monotonous dinner of green beans and almonds, which I made myself, and which were, as a result, not very good. But I had a lot of them and they were in a bowl. I guess those can be counted as positives.
I followed dinner with going to see Muse, or try to. I had 4 people lined up to see them with me, and it ended up just being me. I hate organizing these things. Actually, if you count up the total number of people who didn't see Muse tonight, that number would be 5. There were no advanced tickets, so I waited in line from 7:30 until 9 (when the doors where supposed to open) until 10 (when the doors where supposed to open (again)) until 11:45 when the police came and made us go home. The club security guard kept saying no one was getting in, and yet the line kept moving forward. He didn't have much credibility until the Police came. So that was cold and boring.
On the way back to my car they where sandblasting the sidewalk, so now I have sand in my eyes. To cap it all off, I have a great big headache, I smell like a cigarette from all the smokers in line, and Piranha man has fallen asleep in front of his TV. And now someone is buzzing my buzzer. Hmm, it seems to be a drunken, mustachioed man who is looking for someone named Robert. I think I'm not going to let him in.
I need to get this night over with.
Or not. I started it out with a monotonous dinner of green beans and almonds, which I made myself, and which were, as a result, not very good. But I had a lot of them and they were in a bowl. I guess those can be counted as positives.
I followed dinner with going to see Muse, or try to. I had 4 people lined up to see them with me, and it ended up just being me. I hate organizing these things. Actually, if you count up the total number of people who didn't see Muse tonight, that number would be 5. There were no advanced tickets, so I waited in line from 7:30 until 9 (when the doors where supposed to open) until 10 (when the doors where supposed to open (again)) until 11:45 when the police came and made us go home. The club security guard kept saying no one was getting in, and yet the line kept moving forward. He didn't have much credibility until the Police came. So that was cold and boring.
On the way back to my car they where sandblasting the sidewalk, so now I have sand in my eyes. To cap it all off, I have a great big headache, I smell like a cigarette from all the smokers in line, and Piranha man has fallen asleep in front of his TV. And now someone is buzzing my buzzer. Hmm, it seems to be a drunken, mustachioed man who is looking for someone named Robert. I think I'm not going to let him in.
I need to get this night over with.
Wednesday, May 05, 2004
Miscellaneous
There were a lot of sleep paraphernalia out last night. In the 8 blocks between my and Kristin's house I saw 2 mattresses, 1 box spring, and 1 pillow. They were fairly evenly distributed along 21st street, and seemingly unrelated. Things are often offered to the street. I know on the few occasions when I've tried to clean out my room, I will leave stuff on the street for a few hours. Then whatever the street doesn't want I give to the goodwill or throw away. It's a good system.
Today I took advantage of being unemployed and it being the first Tuesday of the month and went to see the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art free of charge. It was pretty cool. I had only seen it once before, and only for 45 minutes due to some flaky invitationing. Among the highlights where two busts, one made of chocolate and the other of soap, some big aluminum dream people sculptures, a very realistic looking, and as a result disturbing miniature naked man under a sweater sculpture, and last but not least, a larger than life-size anime style girl sculpture with huge breasts where "squirting" blue milk from one nipple, around her back, and into the other nipple. I guess it was a comment on the disturbingly sexual aspects of anime, but I mostly just though it was weird. But weird often interesting and therefore good.
Tomorrow I go to traffic court and try to get my fine reduced from 400$ to 50$.
There were a lot of sleep paraphernalia out last night. In the 8 blocks between my and Kristin's house I saw 2 mattresses, 1 box spring, and 1 pillow. They were fairly evenly distributed along 21st street, and seemingly unrelated. Things are often offered to the street. I know on the few occasions when I've tried to clean out my room, I will leave stuff on the street for a few hours. Then whatever the street doesn't want I give to the goodwill or throw away. It's a good system.
Today I took advantage of being unemployed and it being the first Tuesday of the month and went to see the San Francisco Museum of Modern Art free of charge. It was pretty cool. I had only seen it once before, and only for 45 minutes due to some flaky invitationing. Among the highlights where two busts, one made of chocolate and the other of soap, some big aluminum dream people sculptures, a very realistic looking, and as a result disturbing miniature naked man under a sweater sculpture, and last but not least, a larger than life-size anime style girl sculpture with huge breasts where "squirting" blue milk from one nipple, around her back, and into the other nipple. I guess it was a comment on the disturbingly sexual aspects of anime, but I mostly just though it was weird. But weird often interesting and therefore good.
Tomorrow I go to traffic court and try to get my fine reduced from 400$ to 50$.
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