Olive Juice in the Land Down Under

I hate my god damn hiccups! I never get hiccups. Apart from a brief but lovely 45 minutes, I've had hiccups since about 3 o'clock. That's 3 hours and 45 minutes of hiccups! ARGGG!

Lots of people get hiccups, and don't complain about them because they are used to them. I, on the other hand, NEVER get hiccups. What I usually get is hiccup. Yep. Sometimes after a big meal, I will hiccup once, or on rare occasions, twice, and that will be the end of it. It has been years and years and years since I've had hiccups last for more than 30 seconds.

According to the National Organization of Rare Disorders, Inc. (NORD) on their chronic hiccups page, "Hiccups are caused by irritation of nerves or the brain medullary centers that control the muscles used in breathing, especially in the diaphragm." So it doesn't make any sense that any of the wife's tale hiccup remedies will work: Holding your breath and swallowing. Holding your breath and sipping water, drinking water through a paper towel, injecting your diaphragm with Botox. Actually, the last one might work, but I don't have any Botox. Even so, I've tried them all (apart from the Botox bit) and I still have them.

Even worse, I've started getting double hiccups. I'll hiccup twice in rapid succession, like my diaphragm is pretending to be a heart wearing a big lung hat. Bum bum. Bum bum. This does not please me in the slightest.

About an hour ago I got a little hungry and ate some turkey lunchmeat in which I had rolled some black olives. This was not only satisfying, but also seemed to make my hiccups go away. It was well worth the half-a-can of olive juice I spilled on the crotch of my pants. Until 15 minutes ago. Now it was not worth it, because I still have my god damn hiccups! And my pants smell like olives.