Nose Woes (Non-Verse Version)

Last night I settled into bed, rested my head upon my pillow, and relaxed to an online episode of Wait, Wait Don't Tell Me. Perhaps sensing my calm, Norbert climbed up on my chest, turned a little circle, flopped over, and started to purr. As I stroked her neck and shoulders she closed her eyes and nestled her head down onto my chest. With each stroke she relaxed a little more until a little cat fart snuck out. She may not have even noticed, but I nearly died. It was the worst smell I had ever had the misfortune to meet - until today.

Today I walked into the bathroom at a rehab facility in Fairfield. Now you're probably thinking that I'm going to describe some disgusting, unwashed, hole of a toilet or something. But that isn't the case; in fact it was just the opposite. When the lady walked out of it and handed me the key I thought to myself, "Oh, she smells a little like a rose." It wasn't her, however, that smelled like the rose, it was the bathroom. And there was a reason I could still smell her rosieness 6 feet after she's left the bathroom: it was the most pungent, omnipotent rose smell ever.

The air was roughly 5% oxygen and 95% rose smell molecules. On the walls there were no less than 3 bowls of potpourri and a tiny castle with plastic, scent-exuding nozzles. My nose and throat burned and my eyes started to water. I coughed* long and hard while I was in the bathroom and continued coughing intermittently during my half-hour drive home.

If you want a clear mental image of what it was like to enter the bathroom, picture the following scenario: You are a death row inmate talking your last walk into the gas chamber. You're not looking forward to it, but you've made your peace and are resigned to your inevitable end. As you walk through the door into the room you notice a small sign on the wall:

This gas chamber is maintained and operated by a joint partnership of Hallmark and the perfume counter at Macy's. Whether it be Heaven or Hell, you'll love the way you smell.





*It is VERY hard to pee and aim and cough all at the same time.