Screw Home Cooking

I have finally earned the title, "World's Worst Cook." I'd been working on it for quite some time, but hadn't ever reached it until today.

I can make maybe four dishes, and not all of them come out well. My chicken tends to be dry; My pork chops, reminiscent of hockey pucks. Oddly enough my Salmon comes out okay, but I've only made that once, so it may have been a fluke. (No pun intended.) And my Macaroni and Cheese tends to be undercooked.

Now undercooked is really just me not having enough patience. I'll dip my fork into the noodles and take out a Sponge Bob or a Patrick and invariable burn my tongue while testing their squishiness. They are never quite squishy. Today I decided that I would write an email while they boiled, thereby taking patience out of the game. Mac and Cheese 2, Me 0. I overcooked it.

Overcooked is perhaps an understatement. I boiled it to death. There was hardly even any water to drain out, and Bob and Patrick were enormous and disintegrating. Worst of all, some of the noodles were burned to the bottom of the pan. I hope soaking takes care of that. Otherwise I may have boiled the pan to death as well.

Very fitting is the sign that hangs over the doorway to my kitchen. My Grandmother cross-stitched it for me, and it reads: "Screw Home Cooking." Truer words have never been stitched.